Birmingham, United Kingdom. Darren Johnson was yesterday suspended on full pay for assaulting a fellow worker at the photo copying machine in the insurance brokers office where they both work. Other members of staff only realised something was wrong when Robert Callam was propelled backwards "with great force" and knocked over a nearby water cooler. The office manager, Rachael Harrington told us, "it was a terrible situation, we were all dumbfounded. Staff had to go to a local newsagents to buy Evian if they wanted water during the afternoon. I was unable to get a technician from Spring Fountains out until Monday morning, it was a real problem". I pointed out that surely the assault on a member of her staff was somewhat more important than the fact the water cooler was damaged. She simply replied, "Oh God no. I can't really blame Darren. Robert is one of those unfortunate people who, I don't know why, but just looks like a cunt. He doesn't even have to open his mouth. The fact that Robert did open his mouth and proved us all right didn't help the situation".

In an extraordinary turn of events, a woman who appears not to be a victim appeared on the popular BBC Breakfast News television programme, this morning, Wednesday 8 May 2008. Rochelle Marina is a successful business woman who has not experienced any form of discrimination in her rise to the top of the traditionally male-dominated leisure industry. She owns six golf clubs, and is a well-respected meritus professor of Business Studies at Midlands flagship University, Leicester Branks.